Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
