he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
