I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
