she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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