The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
