just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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