the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
