dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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