I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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