like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
