did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
