you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
