I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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