would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
