if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
