the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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