I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
