Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
