did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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