My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
