They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
