He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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