i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
