he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
