Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
