my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
