I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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