I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
