Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
