She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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