I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
