so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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