I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
