The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
