Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
