That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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