i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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