you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
