Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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