i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize