Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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