I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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