I just saw a hot homeless man
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
