Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize