I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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