If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
