That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
