Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize