dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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