youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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