Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
