Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize