I didn't shave. On purpose
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
