u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
