i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
