i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
