Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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