My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
