I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
