my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
