I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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