how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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