you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he thought i was a dude.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
