got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You're earring is so big in my mouth
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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